Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.
How are you feeling?"
Monday, June 30, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Id Ten T Error
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An 'ID ten T error'? What's that? Ya know, in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T Error' before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An 'ID ten T error'? What's that? Ya know, in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T Error' before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.
Monday, June 16, 2008
MEMO FROM THE PASTORAL SEARCH COMMITTEE
In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.
Noah
He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.
Moses
He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.
Abraham
He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.
David
He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not fallen.
Solomon
He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.
Elijah
He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.
Hosea
His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.
Jeremiah
He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real pain in the neck.
Amos
Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.
John
He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable around him at a church potluck supper.
Peter
Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.
Paul
We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh. His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.
Timothy
He has potential, but is much too young for the position.
Judas
He seemed to be very practical, cooperative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.
Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.
Sincerely,
The Pastoral Search Committee.
Noah
He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.
Moses
He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.
Abraham
He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.
David
He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not fallen.
Solomon
He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.
Elijah
He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.
Hosea
His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.
Jeremiah
He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real pain in the neck.
Amos
Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.
John
He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable around him at a church potluck supper.
Peter
Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.
Paul
We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh. His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.
Timothy
He has potential, but is much too young for the position.
Judas
He seemed to be very practical, cooperative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.
Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.
Sincerely,
The Pastoral Search Committee.
Monday, June 9, 2008
The Donut Master
There was a boy by the name of Steve who was attending college
where Brother Christianson taught seminary.
He had an open-door policy and would take in any student who had
been thrown out of another class as long as they would abide by
his rules.
Steve had been kicked out of his sixth period and no other
teacher wanted him, so he went into Brother Christianson's
seminary class.
Steve was told that he could not be late, so he arrived just
seconds before the bell rang, and he would sit in the very back
of the room. He would also be the first to leave after the
class was over.
One day, Brother Christianson asked Steve to stay after class so
he could talk with him. After class, Bro. Christianson pulled
Steve aside and said, "You think you're pretty tough, don't
you?"
Steve's answer was, "Yeah, I do."
Then Brother Christianson asked, "How many pushups can you do?"
Steve said, "I do about 200 every night."
"200? That's pretty good, Steve," Brother Christianson said.
"Do you think you could do 300?"
Steve replied, "I don't know... I've never done 300 at a time."
"Do you think you could?" again asked Brother Christianson.
"Well, I can try," said Steve.
"Can you do 300 in sets of 10?
I need you to do 300 in sets of ten for this to work.
Can you do it? I need you to tell me you can do it,"
Brother Christianson said.
Steve said, "Well... I think I can... yeah, I can do it."
Brother Christianson said, "Good! I need you to do this on
Friday."
Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of
the room.
When class started, Brother Christianson pulled out a big box of
donuts. Now these weren't the normal kinds of donuts, they were
the extra fancy BIG kind with cream centers and frosting swirls.
Everyone was pretty excited. It was Friday, the last class of
the day, and they were going to get an early start on the
weekend.
Bro. Christianson went to the first girl in the first row and
asked, "Cynthia, do you want a donut?" Cynthia said, "Yes."
Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would
you do ten pushups so that Cynthia can have a donut?"
Steve said, "Sure," and jumped down from his desk to do a quick
ten. Then Steve again sat in his desk. Bro. Christianson put a
donut on Cynthia's desk.
Bro. Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked,
"Joe do you want a donut?"
Joe said, "Yes." Bro. Christianson asked, "Steve would you do
ten pushups so Joe can have a donut?" Steve did ten pushups,
Joe got a donut.
And so it went, down the first aisle, Steve did ten pushups for
every person before they got their donuts and down the second
aisle, until Bro. Christianson came to Scott. Scott was captain
of the football team and center of the basketball team. He was
very popular and never lacking for female companionship.
When Bro. Christianson asked, "Scott do you want a donut?"
Scott's reply was, "Well, can I do my own pushups?"
Bro. Christianson said, "No, Steve has to do them."
Then Scott said, "Well, I don't want one then."
Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would
you do ten pushups so Scott can have a donut he doesn't want?"
Steve started to do ten pushups. Scott said, "HEY! I said I
didn't want one!"
Bro. Christianson said, "Look, this is my classroom, my class,
my desks, and my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don't
want it." And he put a donut on Scott's desk.
Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little. He
just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much
effort to be getting up and down.
You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around
his brow.
Bro. Christianson started down the third row. Now the students
were beginning to get a little angry.
Bro. Christianson asked Jenny, "Jenny, do you want a donut?"
Jenny said, "No."
Then Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten
pushups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn't want?" Steve
did ten, Jenny got a donut.
By now, the students were beginning to say "No" and there were
all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve was also having to
really put forth a lot of effort to get these pushups done for
each donut. There began to be a small pool of sweat on the
floor beneath his face; his arms and brow were beginning to get
red because of the physical effort involved.
Bro. Christianson asked Robert to watch Steve to make sure he
did ten pushups in a set because he couldn't bear to watch all
of Steve's work for all of those uneaten donuts. So Robert
began to watch Steve closely.
Bro. Christianson started down the fourth row.
During his class, however, some students had wandered in and sat
along the heaters along the sides of the room. When Bro.
Christianson realized this; he did a quick count and saw 34
students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be
able to make it.
Bro. Christianson went on to the next person and the next and
the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a
rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set.
Steve asked Bro. Christianson, "Do I have to make my nose touch
on each one?" Bro. Christianson thought for a moment, "Well,
they're your pushups. You can do them any way that you want."
And Bro. Christianson went on.
A few moments later, Jason came to the room and was about to
come in when all the students yelled, "NO! Don't come in! Stay
out!"
Jason didn't know what was going on.
Steve picked up his head and said, "No, let him come."
Bro. Christianson said, "You realize that if Jason comes in you
will have to do ten pushups for him."
Steve said, "Yes, let him come in." Bro. Christianson said,
"Okay, I'll let you get Jason's out of the way right now.
Jason, do you want a donut?"
"Yes."
"Steve, will you do ten pushups so that Jason can have a donut?"
Steve did ten pushups very slowly and with great effort.
Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down.
Bro. Christianson finished the fourth row, then started on those
seated on the heaters. Steve's arms were now shaking with each
pushup in a struggle to lift himself against the force of
gravity. Sweat was dropping off of his face, and by this time,
there was not a dry eye in the room.
The very last two girls in the room were cheerleaders and very
popular. Bro. Christianson went to Linda, the second to last,
and asked, "Linda, do you want a doughnut? Linda said, very
sadly, "No, thank you."
Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten pushups
so that Linda can have a donut she doesn't want?"
Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten very slow pushups for
Linda.
Then Bro. Christianson turned to the last girl, Susan.
"Susan, do you want a donut?"
Susan, with tears flowing down her face, asked, Bro.
Christianson, "Can I help him?"
Bro. Christianson, with tears of his own, said, "No, he has to
do it alone. Steve, would you do ten pushups so Susan can have
a donut?" As Steve very slowly finished his last pushup, with
the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required
of him, having done 350 pushups, his arms buckled beneath him
and he fell to the floor.
Brother Christianson turned to the room and said.
"And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, plead to the
Father, 'Into your hands I commend my spirit.'
With the understanding that He had done everything that was
required of Him, He collapsed on the cross and died. And like
some of those in this room, many of us leave the gift on the
desk, uneaten."
where Brother Christianson taught seminary.
He had an open-door policy and would take in any student who had
been thrown out of another class as long as they would abide by
his rules.
Steve had been kicked out of his sixth period and no other
teacher wanted him, so he went into Brother Christianson's
seminary class.
Steve was told that he could not be late, so he arrived just
seconds before the bell rang, and he would sit in the very back
of the room. He would also be the first to leave after the
class was over.
One day, Brother Christianson asked Steve to stay after class so
he could talk with him. After class, Bro. Christianson pulled
Steve aside and said, "You think you're pretty tough, don't
you?"
Steve's answer was, "Yeah, I do."
Then Brother Christianson asked, "How many pushups can you do?"
Steve said, "I do about 200 every night."
"200? That's pretty good, Steve," Brother Christianson said.
"Do you think you could do 300?"
Steve replied, "I don't know... I've never done 300 at a time."
"Do you think you could?" again asked Brother Christianson.
"Well, I can try," said Steve.
"Can you do 300 in sets of 10?
I need you to do 300 in sets of ten for this to work.
Can you do it? I need you to tell me you can do it,"
Brother Christianson said.
Steve said, "Well... I think I can... yeah, I can do it."
Brother Christianson said, "Good! I need you to do this on
Friday."
Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of
the room.
When class started, Brother Christianson pulled out a big box of
donuts. Now these weren't the normal kinds of donuts, they were
the extra fancy BIG kind with cream centers and frosting swirls.
Everyone was pretty excited. It was Friday, the last class of
the day, and they were going to get an early start on the
weekend.
Bro. Christianson went to the first girl in the first row and
asked, "Cynthia, do you want a donut?" Cynthia said, "Yes."
Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would
you do ten pushups so that Cynthia can have a donut?"
Steve said, "Sure," and jumped down from his desk to do a quick
ten. Then Steve again sat in his desk. Bro. Christianson put a
donut on Cynthia's desk.
Bro. Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked,
"Joe do you want a donut?"
Joe said, "Yes." Bro. Christianson asked, "Steve would you do
ten pushups so Joe can have a donut?" Steve did ten pushups,
Joe got a donut.
And so it went, down the first aisle, Steve did ten pushups for
every person before they got their donuts and down the second
aisle, until Bro. Christianson came to Scott. Scott was captain
of the football team and center of the basketball team. He was
very popular and never lacking for female companionship.
When Bro. Christianson asked, "Scott do you want a donut?"
Scott's reply was, "Well, can I do my own pushups?"
Bro. Christianson said, "No, Steve has to do them."
Then Scott said, "Well, I don't want one then."
Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would
you do ten pushups so Scott can have a donut he doesn't want?"
Steve started to do ten pushups. Scott said, "HEY! I said I
didn't want one!"
Bro. Christianson said, "Look, this is my classroom, my class,
my desks, and my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don't
want it." And he put a donut on Scott's desk.
Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little. He
just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much
effort to be getting up and down.
You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around
his brow.
Bro. Christianson started down the third row. Now the students
were beginning to get a little angry.
Bro. Christianson asked Jenny, "Jenny, do you want a donut?"
Jenny said, "No."
Then Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten
pushups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn't want?" Steve
did ten, Jenny got a donut.
By now, the students were beginning to say "No" and there were
all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve was also having to
really put forth a lot of effort to get these pushups done for
each donut. There began to be a small pool of sweat on the
floor beneath his face; his arms and brow were beginning to get
red because of the physical effort involved.
Bro. Christianson asked Robert to watch Steve to make sure he
did ten pushups in a set because he couldn't bear to watch all
of Steve's work for all of those uneaten donuts. So Robert
began to watch Steve closely.
Bro. Christianson started down the fourth row.
During his class, however, some students had wandered in and sat
along the heaters along the sides of the room. When Bro.
Christianson realized this; he did a quick count and saw 34
students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be
able to make it.
Bro. Christianson went on to the next person and the next and
the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a
rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set.
Steve asked Bro. Christianson, "Do I have to make my nose touch
on each one?" Bro. Christianson thought for a moment, "Well,
they're your pushups. You can do them any way that you want."
And Bro. Christianson went on.
A few moments later, Jason came to the room and was about to
come in when all the students yelled, "NO! Don't come in! Stay
out!"
Jason didn't know what was going on.
Steve picked up his head and said, "No, let him come."
Bro. Christianson said, "You realize that if Jason comes in you
will have to do ten pushups for him."
Steve said, "Yes, let him come in." Bro. Christianson said,
"Okay, I'll let you get Jason's out of the way right now.
Jason, do you want a donut?"
"Yes."
"Steve, will you do ten pushups so that Jason can have a donut?"
Steve did ten pushups very slowly and with great effort.
Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down.
Bro. Christianson finished the fourth row, then started on those
seated on the heaters. Steve's arms were now shaking with each
pushup in a struggle to lift himself against the force of
gravity. Sweat was dropping off of his face, and by this time,
there was not a dry eye in the room.
The very last two girls in the room were cheerleaders and very
popular. Bro. Christianson went to Linda, the second to last,
and asked, "Linda, do you want a doughnut? Linda said, very
sadly, "No, thank you."
Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten pushups
so that Linda can have a donut she doesn't want?"
Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten very slow pushups for
Linda.
Then Bro. Christianson turned to the last girl, Susan.
"Susan, do you want a donut?"
Susan, with tears flowing down her face, asked, Bro.
Christianson, "Can I help him?"
Bro. Christianson, with tears of his own, said, "No, he has to
do it alone. Steve, would you do ten pushups so Susan can have
a donut?" As Steve very slowly finished his last pushup, with
the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required
of him, having done 350 pushups, his arms buckled beneath him
and he fell to the floor.
Brother Christianson turned to the room and said.
"And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, plead to the
Father, 'Into your hands I commend my spirit.'
With the understanding that He had done everything that was
required of Him, He collapsed on the cross and died. And like
some of those in this room, many of us leave the gift on the
desk, uneaten."
Monday, June 2, 2008
Communication in Marriage
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife
listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's
favorite flower?"
Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury
All-Purpose, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant.
listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's
favorite flower?"
Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury
All-Purpose, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant.
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