MEMO FROM THE PASTORAL SEARCH COMMITTEE

In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.

Noah
He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.

Moses
He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.

Abraham
He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.

David
He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not fallen.

Solomon
He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.

Elijah
He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.

Hosea
His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.

Jeremiah
He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real pain in the neck.

Amos
Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.

John
He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable around him at a church potluck supper.

Peter
Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.

Paul
We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh. His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.

Timothy
He has potential, but is much too young for the position.

Judas
He seemed to be very practical, cooperative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.

Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.

Sincerely,
The Pastoral Search Committee.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration???
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service