NATE THE SNAKE

A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving
all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune
with nature. He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the
sagebrush.

As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morn,
he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments,
he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the lever.
Just as he does, he hears a voice say, "Don't touch that lever."

The driver jumps about two feet off the ground, and as he comes down,

he looks around. No one is to be seen. Thinking it was just his imagination,
he again reaches for the lever. Again the voice yells, "I said don't touch that
lever!"

Being more prepared, the driver senses the location of the voice and looks down
under a sage brush. There he sees a small snake.

The driver, in much astonishment, said, "Was that you that just spoke?"

The snake said, "Yes. I have to keep people from touching that lever.
If the lever is moved, it will be the end of the world."

The driver, still rather astonished, said, "What is your name?
And will you talk on TV?" The snake said his name was Nate and that he wasn't
interested in going on TV; anyway, he had to stay and watch the lever to see
that it wasn't moved.

The driver said, "Look, I will get the networks to send out camera crews.
That way, you can inform the entire world about the danger of the lever."

Nate thought that over and allowed as how there was a great deal of sense to
the idea. The driver, true to his word, got the network camera crews out.
They put on broadcasts in which Nate warned the entire world of the dangers
of moving the lever.

A few weeks later, another truck driver was going through the area.
He was following an oil tanker, and the tanker sprang a leak.
When the driver's truck hit the slick, it went out of control,
and he found himself headed straight for the lever.
He remembered seeing Nate on the TV telling about the lever and so he knew that
if he hit it, he would cause the world to end. He strove, with all his might
maneuver the truck. Finally, at the last moment, he was able to swerve,
but he ran over Nate, the snake, and killed him flat.

The truck driver was heard to say "Well, better Nate than lever."

The Death of Larry LaPrise

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:.
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE:
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
&
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a
cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The
blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct
Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them

BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2006

BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2006:

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
Oklahoma's construction program!

Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!