NATE THE SNAKE

A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving
all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune
with nature. He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the
sagebrush.

As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morn,
he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments,
he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the lever.
Just as he does, he hears a voice say, "Don't touch that lever."

The driver jumps about two feet off the ground, and as he comes down,

he looks around. No one is to be seen. Thinking it was just his imagination,
he again reaches for the lever. Again the voice yells, "I said don't touch that
lever!"

Being more prepared, the driver senses the location of the voice and looks down
under a sage brush. There he sees a small snake.

The driver, in much astonishment, said, "Was that you that just spoke?"

The snake said, "Yes. I have to keep people from touching that lever.
If the lever is moved, it will be the end of the world."

The driver, still rather astonished, said, "What is your name?
And will you talk on TV?" The snake said his name was Nate and that he wasn't
interested in going on TV; anyway, he had to stay and watch the lever to see
that it wasn't moved.

The driver said, "Look, I will get the networks to send out camera crews.
That way, you can inform the entire world about the danger of the lever."

Nate thought that over and allowed as how there was a great deal of sense to
the idea. The driver, true to his word, got the network camera crews out.
They put on broadcasts in which Nate warned the entire world of the dangers
of moving the lever.

A few weeks later, another truck driver was going through the area.
He was following an oil tanker, and the tanker sprang a leak.
When the driver's truck hit the slick, it went out of control,
and he found himself headed straight for the lever.
He remembered seeing Nate on the TV telling about the lever and so he knew that
if he hit it, he would cause the world to end. He strove, with all his might
maneuver the truck. Finally, at the last moment, he was able to swerve,
but he ran over Nate, the snake, and killed him flat.

The truck driver was heard to say "Well, better Nate than lever."

Glass of Water and Stress

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience,
a glass of water and asked, How heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranging from 2 to 5 pounds.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long you try to hold it."

He continued, "If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day,
you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight.
But the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.
"And that's the way it is with stress management.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes
increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on.
As with the glass of water, you have to put it down."

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens,
I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble
and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light. (Matthew 11:28-30)

If Men Wrote Advice Columns...

Dear Dr. Jarrod,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.
I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was laid off six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Jarrod

The $50 Lesson

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.. '

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me..

The Perfect Wedding Registry for the Older Crowd

Jacob, age 85, and Rebecca, age 79, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a
stroll to discuss the wedding. On the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests that they go in.
He addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

Couple weds in fast-food style ... in Taco Bell

If I had only known!!!! This would have been my wedding sytle...

Couple weds in fast-food style ...  in Taco Bell

NORMAL, Illinois - Wedding bells meant the Mexican fast food chain Taco Bell for Paul and Caragh Brooks.

Customers inside the fast-food restaurant continued to order tacos and burritos as the couple sat Friday in an orange Taco Bell booth and exchanged vows.

"It's appropriate," groom Paul Brooks said. "It's an offbeat relationship."
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Employees displayed hot sauce packets labeled with the words "Will you marry me?" They decorated the restaurant with streamers and balloons.

The bride wore a $15 hot pink dress and the entire wedding cost about $200. Several dozen guests looked on as the couple's friend, Ryan Green of Normal, administered the vows while wearing a T-shirt. He was ordained online.

"This is the way to go — there's no stress," said the groom's mother, Kathy Brooks.

Caragh Brooks, 21, of Australia, met Paul Brooks, 30, on an Internet dating Web site. They already had the same last name.

The couple wrote back and forth and talked on the phone for nine months before Caragh Brooks moved to the United States.

"We have the same brain, just in two bodies," Paul Brooks said. "We think alike in virtually every manner. We have the same interests, viewpoints."

He proposed on New Year's Eve and, because they like to spend time at the local Taco Bell, they decided to wed there.

"I would never have expected in my life in working here there would be a wedding," restaurant manager Carl Hamlow said.

If you could redo your wedding, what style would you do?

BUREAUCRACY IN ACTION

1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb toward the Banana.

2. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result--all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

3. Turn off the cold water. If later another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.

Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

"BECAUSE that's the way it's always been done around here."

THINGS I LEARNED FROM SCOOBY DOO

1. If you are traveling down a scary road in the middle of swamp country, plan on your van breaking down.

2. It is impossible to overuse the word "Like."

3. Never, ever, ever trust a man who goes by the nickname "Old Man Jones" and who manages an abandoned hotel or castle.

4. When in a hurry, dogs make great motorcycles...and water skis.

5. You can pull off some of the greatest scams with wire, bed sheets, and a hologram machine.

6. It's never a good idea to stop in an abandoned town for pizza - bad things happen.

7. Disco music and a submarine sandwich makes everything better.

8. Bad guys always hide behind paintings, so make sure you watch the eyes.

9. Whenever you need to split up, send the two most ignorant members of your party together - it's just plain fun.

10. Avoid using words like doobie and munchies - it might give people the wrong idea.