TOP TEN TOYS YOU MAY HAVE TROUBLE FINDING THIS YEAR
10. Sister's Dollhouse and Night Vision Ninja Assassin
9. Tuba Hero - World Tour
8. Low Self Esteem Elmo
7. 'Lil Embittered Lego Airport Traffic Controller
6. U Push Mommy's Buttons
5. Thumpy Thump Roadside Furry Friends
4. Police Crime Tape Craft Kit
3. High School Musical Audition Losers Puppet Pals
2. Big 'unsafe at any speed' Wheel
1. Wi-Wheezer: Grandpa Edition
Monday, December 22, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Looking for love...
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting. .....
Scroll down for her picture . . ...Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society
Monday, December 1, 2008
The cowyboy and the church
I read an interesting article the other day, it went like this:
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."
The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.
The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in here before."
What are your thots? Have you been in a church like this? Is your church like this? Are YOU the church in this story?
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."
The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.
The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in here before."
What are your thots? Have you been in a church like this? Is your church like this? Are YOU the church in this story?
Monday, November 24, 2008
Living to Be 80
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was
doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be
80?'He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer
or wine?''Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not
doing drugs, either!'Then he asked, 'Do you eat
rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'I said, 'No, my
former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!''Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,
like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or
bicycling?''No, I don't,' I said. He asked,
'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of
sex?''No,' I said.
He looked at me and said....
'Then why do you even care?
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was
doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be
80?'He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer
or wine?''Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not
doing drugs, either!'Then he asked, 'Do you eat
rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'I said, 'No, my
former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!''Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,
like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or
bicycling?''No, I don't,' I said. He asked,
'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of
sex?''No,' I said.
He looked at me and said....
'Then why do you even care?
Monday, November 17, 2008
HEAVY THINKING...
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip a quiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors...they didn't open. The library was closed!
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Dumb and Dumber." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip a quiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors...they didn't open. The library was closed!
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Dumb and Dumber." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
About Me
Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. President of Garbage contol
Four movies I've watched more than once:
1. Bugs Bunny Movie
2 The Sequel
3. The Second coming (saw it twice, just in case)
Four places I have lived in my life:
1. Denial
Four places I have been:
1. In trouble
Four people who email me regularly:
1. God
Four of my favorite foods
1. Taco Bell
2. Taco Bell
3. Taco Bell
4. Biscuits at Popeye's
Four places I'd rather be:
1. out of trouble
Four things I'm looking forward to this year:
1. Seeing Tomorrow
1. President of Garbage contol
2. Lip Reader for the blind
3. Coin counter for Jerry's Kids donations
4. Inventor of the "dial-up" and Fax noise
Four movies I've watched more than once:
1. Bugs Bunny Movie
2 The Sequel
3. The Second coming (saw it twice, just in case)
4. Curious George Goes to the movies
Four places I have lived in my life:
1. Denial
2. My own little world (everyone there knows me)
3. In my imagination
4. The other side of tomorrow
Four TV shows I watch:
1. The "off the air" show
2. NCIS
3. House
4. The Invisible man (hard show to follow, never seen the main character)
Four TV shows I watch:
1. The "off the air" show
2. NCIS
3. House
4. The Invisible man (hard show to follow, never seen the main character)
Four places I have been:
1. In trouble
2. In the thick of it
3. In the middle of it
4. in hot water
Four people who email me regularly:
1. God
2. crazy people
3. some guy who keeps telling me I have won the lottery in Argentina
4. The lawyer who tells me a person I helped in London has left me Money in his will
3. some guy who keeps telling me I have won the lottery in Argentina
4. The lawyer who tells me a person I helped in London has left me Money in his will
Four of my favorite foods
1. Taco Bell
2. Taco Bell
3. Taco Bell
4. Biscuits at Popeye's
Four places I'd rather be:
1. out of trouble
2. in denial (it's not just a river)
3. The Presidency
4. Youth Work
Four people I think will respond:
1. God
3. The Presidency
4. Youth Work
Four people I think will respond:
1. God
2. My wife
3. My dog
3. My dog
4. My son
Four things I'm looking forward to this year:
1. Seeing Tomorrow
2. Seeing Next year
3. Taking my next breath
3. Taking my next breath
4. ONE day without pain
Friday, September 12, 2008
My Hospital visit Retold...
So as you read before I had a stint in the hospital, now I would like to give you my account of how I saw it….
So I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That’s a nice relaxing drive. *whistling a tune* Noooo, after you. Merge, everybody merge. I’m only imploding.
So I pull up at the entrance to the Emergency Room. No valet parking. I mean, if that’s not the biggest oversight in our solar system… if there’s ever a time when you want to go, “can you park this because I need to collapse immediately?” But no, I’m circling around the parking lot trying to find a spot. “Can I park there, I think I’m gonna die?” “I’m dying too.” “OK, go ahead. I’ll go up a couple levels.” Unbelievable. I don’t care if you’re driving yourself or someone else to the Emergency Room, you still want to get out and run in with them. Are you supposed to drop somebody off and go park the car? “OK, you go in! Tell them you’re SHOT! Ask them if they validate!” Unbelievable.
So I finally park, you know. I go in to check in. They ask the most insulting question when you check into a hospital. “What seems to be the problem?” “What seems… ? Well it seems… it seems like everything in all my inside wants to be on my outside. But I’m no doctor.” What kind of condescending question…
So they check me in to my luxurious half room. There’s a curtain down the middle with a mystery patient on the other side. And he’s moaning over there. I’m thinking, “man, they’re never going to help me with him moaning like that.” So I gotta out-moan him, you know? “Quit moaning! We’re all hurting!”
So I’m killing time writhing. The nurse finally comes in. “How are you doing tonight?” “I’m on a gurney. Do you have a pain-killer or something? This is killing me.” So she goes, “how would you describe your pain?” *pause* “It’s killing me. I don’t know if you remember that part. Ouch.” What, are we playing that pyramid game? “Um. Excruciating… Horrific… Would rather have shards of glass in my eye…. How do I convey this to you?”
So she asks, “how would you rate your pain?” “Four stars! Two enthusiastic thumbs up!” She goes, “how would you rate it on a scale of one to ten with ten being the worst?” Well, you know saying a low number isn’t going to help you. “Oh, I’m a two… maybe the high one’s. If you could get me a baby aspirin and cut it in half, maybe a Flinstone vitamin and I’ll be out of your hair. You can go tend to all the threes and fours and such, if anyone’s saying such ridiculous numbers.”
So I said, “I guess I’m an eight.” She goes, “OK, I’ll be back.” I’m like, “aw, I blew it. I ain’t getting nothing with eight.” But she surprised me, she comes in, she told me, “the doctor told me to give you morphine immediately.” So then I’m like, “morphine?? That’s the stuff they gave the guy in Saving Private Ryan just before he died… OK, I’m a four… I’m a zero, I’m a negative eleventeen.” So they gave me morphine. Wow, all I know is about fifteen minutes later, just for the heck of it, I was like, “I’m an eight again! Guess who’s an eight?”
So I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That’s a nice relaxing drive. *whistling a tune* Noooo, after you. Merge, everybody merge. I’m only imploding.
So I pull up at the entrance to the Emergency Room. No valet parking. I mean, if that’s not the biggest oversight in our solar system… if there’s ever a time when you want to go, “can you park this because I need to collapse immediately?” But no, I’m circling around the parking lot trying to find a spot. “Can I park there, I think I’m gonna die?” “I’m dying too.” “OK, go ahead. I’ll go up a couple levels.” Unbelievable. I don’t care if you’re driving yourself or someone else to the Emergency Room, you still want to get out and run in with them. Are you supposed to drop somebody off and go park the car? “OK, you go in! Tell them you’re SHOT! Ask them if they validate!” Unbelievable.
So I finally park, you know. I go in to check in. They ask the most insulting question when you check into a hospital. “What seems to be the problem?” “What seems… ? Well it seems… it seems like everything in all my inside wants to be on my outside. But I’m no doctor.” What kind of condescending question…
So they check me in to my luxurious half room. There’s a curtain down the middle with a mystery patient on the other side. And he’s moaning over there. I’m thinking, “man, they’re never going to help me with him moaning like that.” So I gotta out-moan him, you know? “Quit moaning! We’re all hurting!”
So I’m killing time writhing. The nurse finally comes in. “How are you doing tonight?” “I’m on a gurney. Do you have a pain-killer or something? This is killing me.” So she goes, “how would you describe your pain?” *pause* “It’s killing me. I don’t know if you remember that part. Ouch.” What, are we playing that pyramid game? “Um. Excruciating… Horrific… Would rather have shards of glass in my eye…. How do I convey this to you?”
So she asks, “how would you rate your pain?” “Four stars! Two enthusiastic thumbs up!” She goes, “how would you rate it on a scale of one to ten with ten being the worst?” Well, you know saying a low number isn’t going to help you. “Oh, I’m a two… maybe the high one’s. If you could get me a baby aspirin and cut it in half, maybe a Flinstone vitamin and I’ll be out of your hair. You can go tend to all the threes and fours and such, if anyone’s saying such ridiculous numbers.”
So I said, “I guess I’m an eight.” She goes, “OK, I’ll be back.” I’m like, “aw, I blew it. I ain’t getting nothing with eight.” But she surprised me, she comes in, she told me, “the doctor told me to give you morphine immediately.” So then I’m like, “morphine?? That’s the stuff they gave the guy in Saving Private Ryan just before he died… OK, I’m a four… I’m a zero, I’m a negative eleventeen.” So they gave me morphine. Wow, all I know is about fifteen minutes later, just for the heck of it, I was like, “I’m an eight again! Guess who’s an eight?”
Friday, September 5, 2008
hospital Stay
As most of you know by now, I was in the hospital the first week of August. If you missed the broadcast of it, here is what was said,
"Hi everybody,
I just wanted to let you know that Jarrod is in the hospital in Knoxville.
He had a tachycardia on Monday and then another one on Tuesday early
morning. His heart rate was up to 206 and was up for about 32 hours
straight and they couldn't stop it. This is in addition to fever, aches and
throwing up over 24 hours straight.
After trying many medications, they did a last resort of shocking him to put
his rhythm back into place. That only lasted temporarily. Then that's when
they transferred him to the cardiac center at the hospital we are at in
Knoxville. They took him by ambulance.
They are changing medications to keep it consistent and not have it take off
again. At this point, we are waiting to see how the new medication works."
It was supposed to be a great week of vacation, but I guess it is never boring when you go somewhere with me; have to make those memories. Many asked why I waited so long to go to the ER, and all I can say is that I have not had the best experience with ER's. There is usually come quack Dr who thinks he can cure what 36 years of the world's best haven't been able to cure yet, or they look at me and think, "oh, textbook case".
But God was in control and gave me some great medical staff at the ER who actually listened to me and did what I asked and didn't try to cure me, but stabilize me. Then I was taken by ambulance to Knoxville, TN where I had some of the best care I have ever had in a long time; and believe me, I know hospitals.
I wanted to thank you all for your prayers and calls and those who came to visit me. It is greatly appreciated.
Looking to share a great testimony for God,
Pastor J
"Hi everybody,
I just wanted to let you know that Jarrod is in the hospital in Knoxville.
He had a tachycardia on Monday and then another one on Tuesday early
morning. His heart rate was up to 206 and was up for about 32 hours
straight and they couldn't stop it. This is in addition to fever, aches and
throwing up over 24 hours straight.
After trying many medications, they did a last resort of shocking him to put
his rhythm back into place. That only lasted temporarily. Then that's when
they transferred him to the cardiac center at the hospital we are at in
Knoxville. They took him by ambulance.
They are changing medications to keep it consistent and not have it take off
again. At this point, we are waiting to see how the new medication works."
It was supposed to be a great week of vacation, but I guess it is never boring when you go somewhere with me; have to make those memories. Many asked why I waited so long to go to the ER, and all I can say is that I have not had the best experience with ER's. There is usually come quack Dr who thinks he can cure what 36 years of the world's best haven't been able to cure yet, or they look at me and think, "oh, textbook case".
But God was in control and gave me some great medical staff at the ER who actually listened to me and did what I asked and didn't try to cure me, but stabilize me. Then I was taken by ambulance to Knoxville, TN where I had some of the best care I have ever had in a long time; and believe me, I know hospitals.
I wanted to thank you all for your prayers and calls and those who came to visit me. It is greatly appreciated.
Looking to share a great testimony for God,
Pastor J
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
YOU'RE LOST BETWEEN "BABY BOOMER" AND "GENERATION X" IF..
YOU'RE LOST BETWEEN "BABY BOOMER" AND "GENERATION X" IF...
1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool.
2. Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned up.
3. You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart.
4. You've ever rung someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"
5. You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of such products as Atari, IntelliVision, TelStar and Coleco.
6. You remember the premier of MTV--or worse yet, you remember its predecessor, "Friday Night Videos."
7. You and your friends ever discussed having a reunion at the end of the century and playing Prince's "1999."
8. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.
9. You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was alternative, and when "alternative comedy" was really funny.
10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
11. (Related to #10) You rode in the back of the station wagon facing the cars behind you.
12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following
phrases: "You know, back when...," "When I was your age...," or "When I was younger..."
13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you learned things like grammar, math and history. (A big hint here is if the only way you can recite the Preamble to the Constitution is by singing it.) 14. You ever dressed to look like someone in a Madonna, Cyndi Lauper or Duran Duran video.
15. You remember your first kiss with someone having happened while either "Leather and Lace" or "Crazy for You" was playing.
16. You remember with pain the day the Green Machine hit the streets (or the sidewalks), instantly making your Big Wheel obsolete.
17. The age-old question "Where's the beef?" still makes you laugh.
18. You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly have more advanced special effects than "TRON."
19. You had a crush on Ted the photographer on "Love Boat," Gage from "Emergency," or Ponch from "CHIPS."
20. Your hair at some point in time in the '80s could only be described by saying, "I was experimenting."
21. You've ever shopped at Benetton.
22. You're starting to believe that having the kids in school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
23. You're currently employed doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with your college major.
24. U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.
25. You remember trying to guess which episode of "The Brady Bunch" it was by the first scene.
26. You had a front-row seat (i.e., blew off one or more classes) for Luke and Laura's wedding on "GH."
27. Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway.
28. You know who shot J.R.
29. You recall when Love's Baby Soft was in every girl's Christmas stocking.
30. This rings a bell: "My name is Charlie, and they work for me."
31. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on. (Related item: you were sure that "New Coke" would NEVER catch on.) 32. You know all the words to the double-album set of the "Grease" soundtrack.
33. You've ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.
34. You sat with your friends on any given Friday night circa 1982 and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny was actually there.
35. "All skate, change directions" means something to you.
36. You've ever owned a pair of rainbow suspenders like the ones Mork used to wear.
37. You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli. (Related item: if you've ever smacked yourself in the head with a shoe and exclaimed, "I'm so wasted!") 38. You owned a Preppy Handbook.
39. You were too young to see "Blue Lagoon," so you just had to settle for the second-hand reports.
40. You remember when movies were only PG and R.
41. You learned to swim at about the same time "Jaws" came out....and still carry the emotional scars to prove it.
42. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch...
and your "cable remote" was connected to the TV by CORD!
43. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished one of those brick-sized packages of Bazooka.
44. You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or--worst of all--what Sheriff Roscoe's full name was.
45. Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table.
46. You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.
47. You remember having a rotary phone.
48. You actually believed that Mikey--famed kid on the Life cereal commercials--died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.
49. "Members Only" jackets...say no more.
50. And lastly, I'll make a song stick in your head for the rest of the day:...you actually remember the words to the the theme song of "The Greatest American Hero."
1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool.
2. Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned up.
3. You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart.
4. You've ever rung someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"
5. You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of such products as Atari, IntelliVision, TelStar and Coleco.
6. You remember the premier of MTV--or worse yet, you remember its predecessor, "Friday Night Videos."
7. You and your friends ever discussed having a reunion at the end of the century and playing Prince's "1999."
8. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.
9. You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was alternative, and when "alternative comedy" was really funny.
10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
11. (Related to #10) You rode in the back of the station wagon facing the cars behind you.
12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following
phrases: "You know, back when...," "When I was your age...," or "When I was younger..."
13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you learned things like grammar, math and history. (A big hint here is if the only way you can recite the Preamble to the Constitution is by singing it.) 14. You ever dressed to look like someone in a Madonna, Cyndi Lauper or Duran Duran video.
15. You remember your first kiss with someone having happened while either "Leather and Lace" or "Crazy for You" was playing.
16. You remember with pain the day the Green Machine hit the streets (or the sidewalks), instantly making your Big Wheel obsolete.
17. The age-old question "Where's the beef?" still makes you laugh.
18. You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly have more advanced special effects than "TRON."
19. You had a crush on Ted the photographer on "Love Boat," Gage from "Emergency," or Ponch from "CHIPS."
20. Your hair at some point in time in the '80s could only be described by saying, "I was experimenting."
21. You've ever shopped at Benetton.
22. You're starting to believe that having the kids in school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
23. You're currently employed doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with your college major.
24. U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.
25. You remember trying to guess which episode of "The Brady Bunch" it was by the first scene.
26. You had a front-row seat (i.e., blew off one or more classes) for Luke and Laura's wedding on "GH."
27. Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway.
28. You know who shot J.R.
29. You recall when Love's Baby Soft was in every girl's Christmas stocking.
30. This rings a bell: "My name is Charlie, and they work for me."
31. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on. (Related item: you were sure that "New Coke" would NEVER catch on.) 32. You know all the words to the double-album set of the "Grease" soundtrack.
33. You've ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.
34. You sat with your friends on any given Friday night circa 1982 and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny was actually there.
35. "All skate, change directions" means something to you.
36. You've ever owned a pair of rainbow suspenders like the ones Mork used to wear.
37. You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli. (Related item: if you've ever smacked yourself in the head with a shoe and exclaimed, "I'm so wasted!") 38. You owned a Preppy Handbook.
39. You were too young to see "Blue Lagoon," so you just had to settle for the second-hand reports.
40. You remember when movies were only PG and R.
41. You learned to swim at about the same time "Jaws" came out....and still carry the emotional scars to prove it.
42. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch...
and your "cable remote" was connected to the TV by CORD!
43. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished one of those brick-sized packages of Bazooka.
44. You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or--worst of all--what Sheriff Roscoe's full name was.
45. Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table.
46. You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.
47. You remember having a rotary phone.
48. You actually believed that Mikey--famed kid on the Life cereal commercials--died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.
49. "Members Only" jackets...say no more.
50. And lastly, I'll make a song stick in your head for the rest of the day:...you actually remember the words to the the theme song of "The Greatest American Hero."
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Local Bar Sues Church
In a small Texas town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign of petitions and prayers to block the bar from opening.
Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old
Wyoming rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate
while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic
got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a
'post turtle'.' Not being familiar with the term, the
doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old
rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country
road and you come across a fence post with a
turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.'
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's
face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he
didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up
there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up
there, and you just wonder what kind of an IDIOT
put him up there!.''
Wyoming rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate
while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic
got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a
'post turtle'.' Not being familiar with the term, the
doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old
rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country
road and you come across a fence post with a
turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.'
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's
face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he
didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up
there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up
there, and you just wonder what kind of an IDIOT
put him up there!.''
Monday, July 7, 2008
Spring Classes for Men at the Learning Center for Adults
NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, class
sizes will be limited to 8 participants maximum.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? And Which Way Does it Go?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday at 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 4
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 5
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 6
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 7
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online
Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.
Class 8
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion -- Relaxation Exercises and Breathing
Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 9
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the
survivors
sizes will be limited to 8 participants maximum.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? And Which Way Does it Go?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday at 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 4
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 5
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 6
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 7
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online
Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.
Class 8
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion -- Relaxation Exercises and Breathing
Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 9
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the
survivors
Monday, June 30, 2008
Ole Farmer Joe
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.
How are you feeling?"
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.
How are you feeling?"
Monday, June 23, 2008
Id Ten T Error
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An 'ID ten T error'? What's that? Ya know, in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T Error' before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An 'ID ten T error'? What's that? Ya know, in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T Error' before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.
Monday, June 16, 2008
MEMO FROM THE PASTORAL SEARCH COMMITTEE
In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.
Noah
He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.
Moses
He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.
Abraham
He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.
David
He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not fallen.
Solomon
He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.
Elijah
He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.
Hosea
His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.
Jeremiah
He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real pain in the neck.
Amos
Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.
John
He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable around him at a church potluck supper.
Peter
Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.
Paul
We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh. His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.
Timothy
He has potential, but is much too young for the position.
Judas
He seemed to be very practical, cooperative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.
Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.
Sincerely,
The Pastoral Search Committee.
Noah
He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.
Moses
He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.
Abraham
He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.
David
He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not fallen.
Solomon
He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.
Elijah
He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.
Hosea
His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.
Jeremiah
He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real pain in the neck.
Amos
Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.
John
He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable around him at a church potluck supper.
Peter
Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.
Paul
We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh. His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.
Timothy
He has potential, but is much too young for the position.
Judas
He seemed to be very practical, cooperative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.
Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.
Sincerely,
The Pastoral Search Committee.
Monday, June 9, 2008
The Donut Master
There was a boy by the name of Steve who was attending college
where Brother Christianson taught seminary.
He had an open-door policy and would take in any student who had
been thrown out of another class as long as they would abide by
his rules.
Steve had been kicked out of his sixth period and no other
teacher wanted him, so he went into Brother Christianson's
seminary class.
Steve was told that he could not be late, so he arrived just
seconds before the bell rang, and he would sit in the very back
of the room. He would also be the first to leave after the
class was over.
One day, Brother Christianson asked Steve to stay after class so
he could talk with him. After class, Bro. Christianson pulled
Steve aside and said, "You think you're pretty tough, don't
you?"
Steve's answer was, "Yeah, I do."
Then Brother Christianson asked, "How many pushups can you do?"
Steve said, "I do about 200 every night."
"200? That's pretty good, Steve," Brother Christianson said.
"Do you think you could do 300?"
Steve replied, "I don't know... I've never done 300 at a time."
"Do you think you could?" again asked Brother Christianson.
"Well, I can try," said Steve.
"Can you do 300 in sets of 10?
I need you to do 300 in sets of ten for this to work.
Can you do it? I need you to tell me you can do it,"
Brother Christianson said.
Steve said, "Well... I think I can... yeah, I can do it."
Brother Christianson said, "Good! I need you to do this on
Friday."
Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of
the room.
When class started, Brother Christianson pulled out a big box of
donuts. Now these weren't the normal kinds of donuts, they were
the extra fancy BIG kind with cream centers and frosting swirls.
Everyone was pretty excited. It was Friday, the last class of
the day, and they were going to get an early start on the
weekend.
Bro. Christianson went to the first girl in the first row and
asked, "Cynthia, do you want a donut?" Cynthia said, "Yes."
Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would
you do ten pushups so that Cynthia can have a donut?"
Steve said, "Sure," and jumped down from his desk to do a quick
ten. Then Steve again sat in his desk. Bro. Christianson put a
donut on Cynthia's desk.
Bro. Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked,
"Joe do you want a donut?"
Joe said, "Yes." Bro. Christianson asked, "Steve would you do
ten pushups so Joe can have a donut?" Steve did ten pushups,
Joe got a donut.
And so it went, down the first aisle, Steve did ten pushups for
every person before they got their donuts and down the second
aisle, until Bro. Christianson came to Scott. Scott was captain
of the football team and center of the basketball team. He was
very popular and never lacking for female companionship.
When Bro. Christianson asked, "Scott do you want a donut?"
Scott's reply was, "Well, can I do my own pushups?"
Bro. Christianson said, "No, Steve has to do them."
Then Scott said, "Well, I don't want one then."
Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would
you do ten pushups so Scott can have a donut he doesn't want?"
Steve started to do ten pushups. Scott said, "HEY! I said I
didn't want one!"
Bro. Christianson said, "Look, this is my classroom, my class,
my desks, and my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don't
want it." And he put a donut on Scott's desk.
Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little. He
just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much
effort to be getting up and down.
You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around
his brow.
Bro. Christianson started down the third row. Now the students
were beginning to get a little angry.
Bro. Christianson asked Jenny, "Jenny, do you want a donut?"
Jenny said, "No."
Then Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten
pushups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn't want?" Steve
did ten, Jenny got a donut.
By now, the students were beginning to say "No" and there were
all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve was also having to
really put forth a lot of effort to get these pushups done for
each donut. There began to be a small pool of sweat on the
floor beneath his face; his arms and brow were beginning to get
red because of the physical effort involved.
Bro. Christianson asked Robert to watch Steve to make sure he
did ten pushups in a set because he couldn't bear to watch all
of Steve's work for all of those uneaten donuts. So Robert
began to watch Steve closely.
Bro. Christianson started down the fourth row.
During his class, however, some students had wandered in and sat
along the heaters along the sides of the room. When Bro.
Christianson realized this; he did a quick count and saw 34
students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be
able to make it.
Bro. Christianson went on to the next person and the next and
the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a
rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set.
Steve asked Bro. Christianson, "Do I have to make my nose touch
on each one?" Bro. Christianson thought for a moment, "Well,
they're your pushups. You can do them any way that you want."
And Bro. Christianson went on.
A few moments later, Jason came to the room and was about to
come in when all the students yelled, "NO! Don't come in! Stay
out!"
Jason didn't know what was going on.
Steve picked up his head and said, "No, let him come."
Bro. Christianson said, "You realize that if Jason comes in you
will have to do ten pushups for him."
Steve said, "Yes, let him come in." Bro. Christianson said,
"Okay, I'll let you get Jason's out of the way right now.
Jason, do you want a donut?"
"Yes."
"Steve, will you do ten pushups so that Jason can have a donut?"
Steve did ten pushups very slowly and with great effort.
Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down.
Bro. Christianson finished the fourth row, then started on those
seated on the heaters. Steve's arms were now shaking with each
pushup in a struggle to lift himself against the force of
gravity. Sweat was dropping off of his face, and by this time,
there was not a dry eye in the room.
The very last two girls in the room were cheerleaders and very
popular. Bro. Christianson went to Linda, the second to last,
and asked, "Linda, do you want a doughnut? Linda said, very
sadly, "No, thank you."
Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten pushups
so that Linda can have a donut she doesn't want?"
Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten very slow pushups for
Linda.
Then Bro. Christianson turned to the last girl, Susan.
"Susan, do you want a donut?"
Susan, with tears flowing down her face, asked, Bro.
Christianson, "Can I help him?"
Bro. Christianson, with tears of his own, said, "No, he has to
do it alone. Steve, would you do ten pushups so Susan can have
a donut?" As Steve very slowly finished his last pushup, with
the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required
of him, having done 350 pushups, his arms buckled beneath him
and he fell to the floor.
Brother Christianson turned to the room and said.
"And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, plead to the
Father, 'Into your hands I commend my spirit.'
With the understanding that He had done everything that was
required of Him, He collapsed on the cross and died. And like
some of those in this room, many of us leave the gift on the
desk, uneaten."
where Brother Christianson taught seminary.
He had an open-door policy and would take in any student who had
been thrown out of another class as long as they would abide by
his rules.
Steve had been kicked out of his sixth period and no other
teacher wanted him, so he went into Brother Christianson's
seminary class.
Steve was told that he could not be late, so he arrived just
seconds before the bell rang, and he would sit in the very back
of the room. He would also be the first to leave after the
class was over.
One day, Brother Christianson asked Steve to stay after class so
he could talk with him. After class, Bro. Christianson pulled
Steve aside and said, "You think you're pretty tough, don't
you?"
Steve's answer was, "Yeah, I do."
Then Brother Christianson asked, "How many pushups can you do?"
Steve said, "I do about 200 every night."
"200? That's pretty good, Steve," Brother Christianson said.
"Do you think you could do 300?"
Steve replied, "I don't know... I've never done 300 at a time."
"Do you think you could?" again asked Brother Christianson.
"Well, I can try," said Steve.
"Can you do 300 in sets of 10?
I need you to do 300 in sets of ten for this to work.
Can you do it? I need you to tell me you can do it,"
Brother Christianson said.
Steve said, "Well... I think I can... yeah, I can do it."
Brother Christianson said, "Good! I need you to do this on
Friday."
Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of
the room.
When class started, Brother Christianson pulled out a big box of
donuts. Now these weren't the normal kinds of donuts, they were
the extra fancy BIG kind with cream centers and frosting swirls.
Everyone was pretty excited. It was Friday, the last class of
the day, and they were going to get an early start on the
weekend.
Bro. Christianson went to the first girl in the first row and
asked, "Cynthia, do you want a donut?" Cynthia said, "Yes."
Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would
you do ten pushups so that Cynthia can have a donut?"
Steve said, "Sure," and jumped down from his desk to do a quick
ten. Then Steve again sat in his desk. Bro. Christianson put a
donut on Cynthia's desk.
Bro. Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked,
"Joe do you want a donut?"
Joe said, "Yes." Bro. Christianson asked, "Steve would you do
ten pushups so Joe can have a donut?" Steve did ten pushups,
Joe got a donut.
And so it went, down the first aisle, Steve did ten pushups for
every person before they got their donuts and down the second
aisle, until Bro. Christianson came to Scott. Scott was captain
of the football team and center of the basketball team. He was
very popular and never lacking for female companionship.
When Bro. Christianson asked, "Scott do you want a donut?"
Scott's reply was, "Well, can I do my own pushups?"
Bro. Christianson said, "No, Steve has to do them."
Then Scott said, "Well, I don't want one then."
Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would
you do ten pushups so Scott can have a donut he doesn't want?"
Steve started to do ten pushups. Scott said, "HEY! I said I
didn't want one!"
Bro. Christianson said, "Look, this is my classroom, my class,
my desks, and my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don't
want it." And he put a donut on Scott's desk.
Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little. He
just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much
effort to be getting up and down.
You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around
his brow.
Bro. Christianson started down the third row. Now the students
were beginning to get a little angry.
Bro. Christianson asked Jenny, "Jenny, do you want a donut?"
Jenny said, "No."
Then Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten
pushups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn't want?" Steve
did ten, Jenny got a donut.
By now, the students were beginning to say "No" and there were
all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve was also having to
really put forth a lot of effort to get these pushups done for
each donut. There began to be a small pool of sweat on the
floor beneath his face; his arms and brow were beginning to get
red because of the physical effort involved.
Bro. Christianson asked Robert to watch Steve to make sure he
did ten pushups in a set because he couldn't bear to watch all
of Steve's work for all of those uneaten donuts. So Robert
began to watch Steve closely.
Bro. Christianson started down the fourth row.
During his class, however, some students had wandered in and sat
along the heaters along the sides of the room. When Bro.
Christianson realized this; he did a quick count and saw 34
students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be
able to make it.
Bro. Christianson went on to the next person and the next and
the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a
rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set.
Steve asked Bro. Christianson, "Do I have to make my nose touch
on each one?" Bro. Christianson thought for a moment, "Well,
they're your pushups. You can do them any way that you want."
And Bro. Christianson went on.
A few moments later, Jason came to the room and was about to
come in when all the students yelled, "NO! Don't come in! Stay
out!"
Jason didn't know what was going on.
Steve picked up his head and said, "No, let him come."
Bro. Christianson said, "You realize that if Jason comes in you
will have to do ten pushups for him."
Steve said, "Yes, let him come in." Bro. Christianson said,
"Okay, I'll let you get Jason's out of the way right now.
Jason, do you want a donut?"
"Yes."
"Steve, will you do ten pushups so that Jason can have a donut?"
Steve did ten pushups very slowly and with great effort.
Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down.
Bro. Christianson finished the fourth row, then started on those
seated on the heaters. Steve's arms were now shaking with each
pushup in a struggle to lift himself against the force of
gravity. Sweat was dropping off of his face, and by this time,
there was not a dry eye in the room.
The very last two girls in the room were cheerleaders and very
popular. Bro. Christianson went to Linda, the second to last,
and asked, "Linda, do you want a doughnut? Linda said, very
sadly, "No, thank you."
Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten pushups
so that Linda can have a donut she doesn't want?"
Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten very slow pushups for
Linda.
Then Bro. Christianson turned to the last girl, Susan.
"Susan, do you want a donut?"
Susan, with tears flowing down her face, asked, Bro.
Christianson, "Can I help him?"
Bro. Christianson, with tears of his own, said, "No, he has to
do it alone. Steve, would you do ten pushups so Susan can have
a donut?" As Steve very slowly finished his last pushup, with
the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required
of him, having done 350 pushups, his arms buckled beneath him
and he fell to the floor.
Brother Christianson turned to the room and said.
"And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, plead to the
Father, 'Into your hands I commend my spirit.'
With the understanding that He had done everything that was
required of Him, He collapsed on the cross and died. And like
some of those in this room, many of us leave the gift on the
desk, uneaten."
Monday, June 2, 2008
Communication in Marriage
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife
listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's
favorite flower?"
Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury
All-Purpose, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant.
listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's
favorite flower?"
Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury
All-Purpose, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Preaching or Meddlin' ?
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
Monday, May 19, 2008
A Rear-end wreck
There I was on my way to go food shopping.
Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ...
I was in a great mood...
And then ... I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car..
(and you know how you just get soooooo stressed and life stuff seems to get funny)?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ...
He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ...
I was in a great mood...
And then ... I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car..
(and you know how you just get soooooo stressed and life stuff seems to get funny)?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ...
He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
Monday, May 12, 2008
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration???
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration???
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service
Friday, May 9, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
The Death of Larry LaPrise
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:.
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE:
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
&
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."
My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:.
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE:
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
&
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."
My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Work VS Prison
Work vs. Prison
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
| @ PRISON | @ WORK |
| You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell | you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle |
| You get three meals a day fully paid for | you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it |
| You get time off for good behavior | you get more work for good behavior |
| The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you | you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself |
| You can watch TV and play games | you could get fired for watching TV and playing games |
| You get your own toilet | you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat |
| They allow your family and friends to visit | you aren't even supposed to speak to your family |
| All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required | you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners |
| You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out | you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars |
| You must deal with sadistic wardens | they are called managers |
| You can talk about Jesus, and even participate in Bible Studies | you'd better not talk about Jesus or bring a Bible if you want to keep your job! |
| THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE! | |
Now get back to work.
You're not getting paid to read blogs!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Small Towns
Those who grew up in small towns will laugh when they read this.
Those who didn't will be in disbelief and won't understand how true it is.
1) You can name everyone you graduated with.
2) You know what 4-H means.
3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a
dirt road. On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of
the scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party
was busted. (See #6.)
4) You used to'drag'Main .
5) You whispered the 'F' word and your parents knew within the hour.
6) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers,
because you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
7) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old
you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow.)
Besides, where would you get the money?
8) When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes,
you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to smoke
them.
9) You knew which section of the ditch you would find the beer your buyer
dropped off.
10) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.
11) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
12) You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references.
Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks to Anderson 's, and it's four houses
left of the track field.
13) The golf course had only 9 holes.
14) You couldn't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
15) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own
a dark vehicle for this reason.
16) The town next to you was considered 'trashy' or 'snooty,' but was
actually just like your town.
17) You referred to anyone with a house newer then 1955 as the 'rich'
people.
18) The people in the 'big city' dressed funny, and then you picked up the
trend 2 years later.
19) Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or the dairy
bar.
20) You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one
of your friends driving a grain truck to school occasionally.
21) The gym teacher suggested you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
22) Directions were given using THE stop light as a reference.
23) When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people would pull
over and ask if you wanted a ride.
24) Your teachers called you by your older siblings' names.
25) Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.
26) You could charge at any local store or write checks without any ID.
27) There was no McDonalds.
28) The closest mall was over an hour away.
29) It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn
mower.
30) You've pee'd in a cornfield.
31) Most people went by a nickname.
Those who didn't will be in disbelief and won't understand how true it is.
1) You can name everyone you graduated with.
2) You know what 4-H means.
3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a
dirt road. On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of
the scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party
was busted. (See #6.)
4) You used to'drag'Main .
5) You whispered the 'F' word and your parents knew within the hour.
6) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers,
because you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
7) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old
you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow.)
Besides, where would you get the money?
8) When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes,
you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to smoke
them.
9) You knew which section of the ditch you would find the beer your buyer
dropped off.
10) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.
11) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
12) You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references.
Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks to Anderson 's, and it's four houses
left of the track field.
13) The golf course had only 9 holes.
14) You couldn't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
15) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own
a dark vehicle for this reason.
16) The town next to you was considered 'trashy' or 'snooty,' but was
actually just like your town.
17) You referred to anyone with a house newer then 1955 as the 'rich'
people.
18) The people in the 'big city' dressed funny, and then you picked up the
trend 2 years later.
19) Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or the dairy
bar.
20) You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one
of your friends driving a grain truck to school occasionally.
21) The gym teacher suggested you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
22) Directions were given using THE stop light as a reference.
23) When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people would pull
over and ask if you wanted a ride.
24) Your teachers called you by your older siblings' names.
25) Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.
26) You could charge at any local store or write checks without any ID.
27) There was no McDonalds.
28) The closest mall was over an hour away.
29) It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn
mower.
30) You've pee'd in a cornfield.
31) Most people went by a nickname.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
What NOT to give her for Valentines Day
1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
2. Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model.
3. Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
4. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.
5. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Angelina Jolie.
6. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
7. Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
8. Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
9. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
10. A gift certificate.
11. Cash.
12. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
13. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"
2. Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model.
3. Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
4. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.
5. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Angelina Jolie.
6. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
7. Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
8. Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
9. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
10. A gift certificate.
11. Cash.
12. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
13. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"
Friday, January 25, 2008
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a
cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The
blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct
Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a
cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The
blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct
Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them
Friday, January 18, 2008
BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2006
BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2006:
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
Oklahoma
Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces
He probably IS the battery charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
What A Week!
What a week this has been! Have you ever had a week when everything just seemed to go wrong? Well, that was my week. I turned my back on a friend, lost a friend to death and just felt like everyone in this small town had it out for me.
See, it started out so great, just another day of having fun laughing with friends, ministering to people and seeing lives changed. Then all of a sudden, poof! It was like somebody ripped the carpet out from underneath me.
We were all out to dinner just sitting around the table eating and telling jokes, sharing out our day of ministry, when out of nowhere someone at the table announces he's going to die. That isn't something you just say; it's not like, "hey pass the salt, oh, by the way, I'm dying, how's the meat loaf?". No, there needs to be preparation, a lead in a buffer. But no, not this time.
We were all shocked, nobody was saying anything, it was too quiet. That eerie quiet. So I spoke up and said, "I won't allow that to happen", as if I could stop it.
That was a week ago. The group all got together again tonite. We were all in the room, kinda hiding out to regroup and see what our next step was going to be. Nobody was really sure what to do. Should we all separate and go back to what we had done before we formed our group or should we continue with the ministry. To be honest, we were a little scared to go forward, but nobody really wanted to admit we were scared.
I was just about to leave when I heard a girl screaming! I turned and there was my buddy Luke, screaming like a girl, screaming "Ghost!!" We all turned and there in the room stood a man who appeared from out of nowhere. His voice sounded familiar, that soothing calm, familiar. He held out his hands and said, "Peace be with you."
Out of all the things He could have said, that was the one thing we needed to hear!
At that we realized it was our friend who had died! Jesus was back! My heart leaped. I wanted to jump up and hug him, but I was in to much shock to move! He sat down with us and once again for once last time and ate with us. We laughed and shared stories and shared about how our ministry was going to go on....
Until I meet you again on the road,
The Disciple Peter
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
The Elephant Man
We were in church the other Sunday waiting for the service to start when I noticed something in the front of the church between the stage and the pews! It was big and it was blocking the view of most of the pulpit and stage area. It was an ELEPHANT!!! I was excited because I was sure this mornings sermon was going to be great with a "prop" like that in the church. I usually use props when I speak in church, but nothing like this! I noticed a few families had a hard time sitting together with the elephant in the church.
The minister of music got up and started to lead us in chorus, it was hard to see him or even focus on the music as the elephant was right there in the midst of everything, but still my excitement was growing. The greeting was difficult to do, as many couldn't get to others with the elephant in the way. The offering came and a few people had a hard time giving with the elephant being there and in the way, but some managed.
Then the part I waited for was up, the Pastor got up to give the sermon, It was hard to see him with the elephant there, but I was not going to miss how he was going to use this prop....
The sermon ended and the prayer was said, an invitation was given, but not many came with the elephant up there blocking their way to the altar. The service ended, and people were getting up to leave and no one mentioned the elephant!
I couldn't believe it! As I stared at it, I noticed something, most people were oblivious to it. They just walked around it, side stepped it, or just plain ignored it like it wasn't even there.
How could they sit through an entire church service and not see the elephant in front of their faces. I touched one member on the arm and asked him about the elephant, he said, "oh, it's been there for years, most people just ignore it, hoping it will go away".
I asked him what about not being able to see the preacher or get to the altar and he just shrugged and said, most of us just don't think about it I guess. If you can't see, just get up and move, he suggested.
"But there is STILL an elephant in the church", I said. He just laughed and said, "what are you, the elephant man? Just let it go, in a few weeks, you'll hardly notice it."
But I do notice it and always will notice an elephant in my church. Why is it that so many members are scared to say that there is an elephant in the church, blocking their worship, their fellowship with the Pastor or other members of the church? Why doesn't anyone get up and remove the elephant? I guess no one wants to be called the "Elephant Man"....
But I will not rest until the elephant is gone, and my worship and fellowship is restored in my church.
Until then, call me the Elephant Man
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)